


Beyond Blind Eyes

by Luirumi



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Disability, Friendship, Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content, Slow Build, fili and kili are not related
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-02-17 10:06:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2305826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luirumi/pseuds/Luirumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story is about Filbert "Fili" Johnson, 31 year old massage therapist who has been visually impaired all of his life. He is running his own massaging business at his home in London.</p><p>Kieran "Kili" Durin is 26 year old IT support in LSE - London School of Economics. His long-standing pains brings him to a blind and handsome golden-haired masseur, whose company he didn't expect to enjoy and change his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nice To Meet You

[](http://s48.photobucket.com/user/Luirumi/media/beeytojaa_zpsa1eef5de.png.html)

Kili parked his motorcycle front of the house. He lifted his helmet visor up, looked at the house and noticed a sign in a window with the text: "The massagist Filbert Johnson" and below that the person's phone number. This masseur had to be a private entrepreneur, who did his work at home. 

Kili got the number from his colleague, Dave, at university. Both of them and two other guys were working as an IT support, so it meant a lot of sitting which resulted in stiff necks and shoulders. Kili had tried everything to ease the ache, and after he had complained enough to his colleague, Dave ordered Kili to call the masseur he visited on a regular basis. Kili had chuckled at the name of the masseur. He imagined a man who was small and frail, quiet and stuttered when speaking, with teeth like a mouse.

The reason Kili had never gotten a massage before was, because he was a bit nervous about letting some stranger touch him and see his body. It wasn't like he was ashamed of his body. But Dave has understood what really bothered his friend and said: 

"Kili, he's not going to squeeze your balls or shove his finger in your arse. It's not like in a porn film. He's just doing his job there, and he will guide you how to ease the pain on your own in the future."

Kili, feeling dumbass, had blushed a little and then laughed. He indeed worried too much about that. He had heard so many stories about massaging and it had left the impression in his head. It wouldn't be so bad, right?

So he had called this mouse man, Filbert, and he was surprised by the self-confident, but pleasant sounding voice at the other end of the line.

"Filbert Johnson, how can I help you?" he asked softly.

Kili had frozen for a moment, then he managed to open his mouth, "I.. Uh.. This is Kieran Durin. I'd.. like to make an ap-appointment." Now he was the one who was stuttering. He wanted to slap himself in the face so hard right now. Normally he didn't stutter, but somehow this sweet sounding man's voice had made him forget how to speak.

"Great! What kind of massage you would like?" Filbert asked cheerfully.

"Partial massage, I think. Uh... I have had an ache in my shoulders and neck for a long time. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I have tried to do something about it and you're my last hope." The brunet tried to force himself to sound casual and then laughed. He wasn't sure he succeeded, but the pleasant man seemed not to mind.

"I understand. What’s a good day for you?"

 

"Are you busy tomorrow? At 5pm?"

"Unfortunately my calendar is full tomorrow, as well as the day after tomorrow. The only free place is this Friday at 4pm." The masseur said apologetically, "Is it too early?" he asked as if he had grimaced at the other end.

"No, Friday is good! Friday is very good." Kili had hurried to say and then grinned. What the fuck? Why he was so excited? Before he was starting to say too much, he had calmed himself and coughed, "Yes, I guess i'll be there at Friday 4pm."

"Splendid." Filbert said, a smile coloring his voice, "Oh, there's one thing you should know. I've got a dog and I just want to make sure, that you aren't allergic or afraid of it. Cloud wouldn’t hurt anyone. You don't need to worry about that."

"Oh.. No. I mean, I don't have anything against dogs. I like dogs."

"Good, I guess we'll see then." 

"Yeah, thanks.. Bye."

"Bye and have a nice day!"

So now there he was front of the masseur's house, his stomach full of butterflies. He didn't understand what was wrong with him. For fuck's sakes, he hasn't even met Filbert yet! He sure had tried to imagine what he looked like. He had tried to get rid of the image of Filbert being small and frail. And having a mouse teeth. That image and his voice didn't match each other. And that name. His parents must have been drunk.

Before he could take root in the back of the motorcycle to think about silly things, he got up and took off his helmet and walked to the door. He took a deep breath and pressed his finger on a doorbell.

A moment later the door opened and Kili had to take a better grip on his helmet, pressing it tightly with both hands against his abdomen before it could fall on the ground. The man in front of him smiled at him with his curvy and thin lips, his golden short curls and beard glowed in the early autumn sun. He was slightly shorter than Kili and slim, but not as slim as he has imagined. The masseur was wearing a basic white shirt with v-neckline, revealing his curly chesthair a little, and black college pants. There he was standing confidently; his height seemed not bother him at all. He also wore sunglasses with black frames and red-orange lenses. But why he was wearing them inside the house? Kili thought maybe they were just part of his style. However, he didn't bother to ask about it. But then the blond moved his head to the left as if he noticed something behind Kili.

"Hello, who is this?" The masseur asked politely.

Kili was puzzled and he had to look over his shoulder, but there wasn't anything strange. Just a neighbor coming out of his house to take trash out. When the brunet turned his head back to the man, he wasn't watching past him anymore, but he didn't look at straight into Kili's eyes either.

"I uh.. I'm Kieran. But please, call me Kili." He said and moved his dark long curls away from his face. He had to admit himself that he was so wrong about Filbert's looks, and in his mind he was secretly pleased with the sight. There was no mouse man at all, more like a lion. Little lion man.

Filbert stared at him, with an unreadable expression for a moment. Then he asked, "Are you serious?"

Kili frowned. Was there something wrong in his nickname? He couldn't read anything from the shorter man's expression and even voice, "Yeaaah..? Is there something wrong with that?"

"No. It’s just that I'm called Fili."

They both stared at each other an another short moment, then both men burst out in laughter.

"You can't be serious!" Kili cried out through his laughing.

"As serious as you are here, my friend." Fili chuckled, "I'm not a big fan of my name, but luckily I have been called Fili since my childhood."

Kili smiled and then bit down on his lower lip, "I'm just curious.. Why did you look behind me? That was pretty odd."

"I'm sorry about that. I just wanted to see you. I'm visually impaired."

Kili frowned slightly, "Wait a minute. So you ’see’, but you're still blind? How?"

"Blind is a quite wrong term in my case. In fact, very few people are completely blind."

Kili just decided to nod, more to himself than Fili who probably couldn't see that. He hadn't expected him to be blind. Or visually impaired like he had said. Not that it would have bothered him. He just hadn't any experience with visually impaired people and how to act with them. Probably in the same way as with the others? Before he began to sink too deep into his thoughts, Fili spoke up.

"Oh come on, let's go in." The blond grinned and made a gesture for Kili to follow him inside. 

Once inside, Kili took a look around. It looked quite normal, as if it would have been anyone's home, not a visually impaired person's. It surprised him. He had always thought that maybe the home's decoration wouldn’t matter to them, and now he had to admit to himself that he was wrong. 

"This way, please," the blond invited and the taller man followed after him. Fili walked through the house deftly, and Kili noticed that there were all the necessary furniture such as a sofa, an armchair, a small coffee table, a TV, a bookcase full of CD's and some books, a stereo and a dining table for four in the kitchen. And there was a closed door which he assumed to be a bedroom. And then he smelled a very cozy scent. A smell of cinnamon. It seemed that Fili had baked earlier before his arrival. How he could even bake?

There were small photo frames on a shelf. In pictures seemed to appear members of his family. Father, mother and perhaps a sister beside him. The pictures didn't indicate that he was married or had children. The only picture in which children appeared was old. Somewhere in the 80's or 90's. He deduced it to be Fili and his sister.

There was this huge painting of a colorful flower meadow and a windmill on the wall. It reminded him of Netherlands. And the painting wasn't the only place where the flowers were, they also were on a coffee table in the vase, fresh and colorful. It was quite surprising from a man, because to Kili flowers have always been more of a women thing. Kili also noticed a blonde furred Labrador laying peacefully under the table and it only raised its head to look at the guest.

The brunet had no time to look at the decoration in more detail before they got to the room where the work happened. The masseur turned to him. 

"Could you take off your jacket and shirt, or whatever you have on your upper body, please?"

"No pants?" The brunet raised his eyebrows in surprise as he began to remove his black leather jacket and his blue-grey shirt and hang on a coat rack.

"There's no need for that. But if you could remove your boots." 

Kili nodded again and he leaned down to open up the black leather boots cords, "How did you know I was wearing boots?"

"From the sound. They sound heavy when they meet the floor."

"Oh, yeah, right."

The boots found their way over to the coat rack and Kili sat on the massage table, still wearing his black skinny jeans and black socks. He watched the other man pick up a large white towel.

"Now, could you lay down on your stomach, please?" Kili did as he was told, raising his arms to rest on arm rests and pressing his face on the face rest. He felt the soft towel being settled on him, covering him from lower back to toes.

"Is this your first time getting a massage?" Fili asked as he brushed the brunet's long hair away from his neck so it wouldn't be on his way. Then he carefully searched his oil bottle with his hand, then poured some of it in his cupped hand. He warmed it between his palms before pressing them gently on the other man's shoulders.

"Yeah.. This is my first time." Kili murmured, closing his eyes when the gentle, but strong fingers first began to lightly stroke, then adding some pressure on them, "How did you know?"

"Well, you sounded a little bit nervous and surprised when I said that you can keep your pants on. But it's okay," Fili said smiling.

Kili almost said what he really was afraid of regarding massaging, but shut his mouth before that. Maybe it would be just better that he didn’t embarrass himself. At least he didn't want to take the risk. As the massage continued, he began to feel drowsy and warm all over his body, "Damn..." he sighed quietly.

"Feeling sleepy?" 

"Yeah." Kili whispered lazily, eyes fluttering.

"That's okay, too. Massage has a calming effect on the nervous system. If you're feeling sleepy, you can fall asleep. I'll wake you up," the masseur told him, smiling, "Now, would you turn over on your back, please?" he asked, taking his hands off of the brunet.

[](http://s48.photobucket.com/user/Luirumi/media/filiampkiliBBE_zps96b90ecc.png.html)

And Kili did. Once he was on his back, Fili added some oil in his palm again, warming it, then pressing his hands against his customer's shoulders, "You really do have stiff shoulders. What do you do?" he said as he gently rubbed hard knots with his fingers.

"Mm what..?" Kili murmured, his eyes half-closed.

"What kind of work do you do?"

"I'm IT support at LSE. A lot of sitting. Dave, friend of mine, recommended your services, praised how talented your hands were – said they do the magic and make him forget his name." Kili teased and a wide grin spreaded over his face.

"Ah, Dave, sure he did." Fili chuckled and his fingers slid lower over the collarbones and met the other man's curly chest hair. He let his fingers massage back and forth between his pecs.

Kili watched the other man closely, he had a certain advantage to watch this handsome man above him, because he didn't have to worry that he would be caught at staring, which would be embarrassing. He hoped to see Fili's eyes. He wondered what color they were and he would like to see a man in all his glory.

"Can I ask you something?" Kili asked quietly.

"Sure."

"I... I hope this doesn't bother you, but.. Why do blind people-"

"Visually impaired persons," Fili corrected.

"Yeah, visually impaired persons use sun glasses? I'm sorry, I'm just curious."

Fili just chuckled, "Seems that you don't know anyone who is visually impaired, do you? You don't need to apologize. I understand your curiosity and you're not the only one, mate. My glasses are mainly to protect the eyes from light and to avoid any to poking them accidentally. Some may use them because their eyes aren't very pretty. I don't even know how my eyes look. I don't really need to use them all time, especially in the dim light."

"Oh..." Kili blinked his eyes, "So, how long have you been like that?"

"All of my life. I was diagnosed with Juvenile macular degeneration as a toddler. It's rare disease and it's probably caused by gene mutations passed down in families. There's no treatment available. They, however, tried something but it made this worse."

"So how do you see with your eyes?"

"Imagine that you have a dark spot in the middle of the eye, through which you can't see anything, but you can see the corners of the eye. Although I see very fuzzy.”

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be. This is who I am. I can't think about my life without this, because I have grown up with it. To be honest, sometimes I find myself thinking some things would be easier if I could see better." When Kili didn't ask any more questions, he went silent as well and continued working on the brunet's shoulders. 

When the time expired, Fili withdrew and groped for the towel with his hand. When he reached it, he wiped his hands on it, "We're done here. You can get up now." The blond smiled, and saw in the corner of his eye that the other man moving to get up.

"Thanks, that was bri..." Kili yawned, "...lliant!" He came down from the table and went to pick up the clothes. 

"Good to hear." Fili smiled and continued, "Can I ask you a favor?"

Kili raised his eyebrows and turned to Fili while he was dressing, "It depends on what it is ."

"The thing is, I'm not so good at with computers. And you're an IT support, so I was thinking if it isn’t a lot of trouble, could you take a look at it?"


	2. In A Need Of Help

"Yeah, why not. I'm not in a hurry," Kili replied as he got the boot's cords tied.

"Great! I thought do I dare to ask about it, but it's a relief to hear that you're okay with it. Since the speech synthesizer stopped working the day before yesterday, I haven't been able to use the computer. And I should pay the bills soon," Fili sighed with relief, "I owe you a cup of a tea and a homemade bun. Now follow me." With that, he walked out of the room and headed over to the closed door which they passed earlier.

"I don't mind at all, it's my pleasure to help you." Kili smiled and followed after him.

And he meant it. If he wasn't at work, he spent his time mainly at the computer playing World of Warcraft or other online games with his friends, most of whom lived outside the UK. There were a few who lived up in London, but he wasn't interested enough to meet them. Now the brunet was at that point of not wanting to go back to an empty home where only his computer and his online friends waited. As fun as playing was, he often felt that something was missing in his life; the presence of another person. And even though Kili had company at work, it didn't satisfy him enough. His colleagues simply lived such different lives from him -- they were at least eight years older than Kili, and they were married and had at least one or two children. They were busy with their own lives, and when he had ever wished to go out for a couple of beers, their wives wouldn't have tolerated it. Boring. It wasn't that Kili would have cared to go out drinking every Friday evening and have a hangover the whole next day. That was boring too. He did this often during his student years, but only so that he fit in with the group. And when he finished school, life took a new direction and his so-called friends were no longer part of it. Kili was tired of the fact that no one had any interest in doing anything more constructive than drinking. He hoped that he could just do ordinary everyday things with someone.

And it wasn't just about friends. Love would have been very much appreciated. Sometimes the need to love and be loved back was too great, when he saw happy couples around him and what made things more difficult was his interest in men. No one knew he was gay except for a couple of his online friends whom he trusted enough, while some were homophobic. He realized his sexual orientation when he was seventeen, but he was afraid to tell anyone, and as if to make sure to others, that he wasn't the slightest bit gay, he dated a few girls during his student years. He, however, grew tired of it and he simply stopped doing it. He once tried a dating site, but then he began to feel like a pathetic nerd before he even got a date, so he didn't try it again.

Kili wasn't sure if he was too eager to get to know this gorgeous masseur. He was so friendly and it was pleasant to talk with him. As a massage therapist, Fili did his job perfectly, but Kili didn't have a clue what kind of person the blond was outside of work. It didn't look like he was married. But it didn't mean that he couldn't be dating. And most importantly: Did he even like men? 

Once again, he was drifting too deep into his thoughts. And they weren't very happy thoughts. Maybe he should stop dreaming of these foolish things. They would make him feel bad again. He should leave. As soon as possible.

Fili opened his bedroom door. There was a double bed, a wardrobe, a nightstand, a couple of rugs, dark curtains on the window and a desk with a laptop on it. The flowers didn't seem to reach here, but there were some other pictures on the wall which Kili didn't pay much attention to, because he just wanted to get out of here. It looked like blue was Fili's favourite color, since it appeared in the living room as well as the bedroom.

"Here we are. You can take a seat." The blond gestured at the chair. "I'll be in the kitchen so you can do your magic this time," he said grinning, bringing his delicious dimples up, and Kili couldn't help admiring them.

"Yeah... Let's see what I can do." Kili smiled weakly and watched as Fili left the room. Then the brunet took a seat and started the laptop. Once in, he took a look at the speech synthesizer on the table. He switched it on. Nothing happened. He checked to make sure the wires were connected properly and in the right places. And when nothing happened, he knew he had to start to explore the computer itself.

When Fili came back, he heard the familiar monotonic male voice coming from his synthesizer. "So, what was wrong with it?" he asked and leaned on the door frame.

Kili glanced over his shoulder at the blond. "Drivers were just out of date," he replied simply and then got up. Now he was done, so he was ready to leave, "I remembered that I have some things to do.." He muttered. _Yeah, sure, who the hell are you kidding?_ , the little voice in his head whispered. And when he passing by the blond, Kili felt the other man grabbing his jacket.

"Wait a minute. It's indeed a shame that you can't stay for tea and I understand that you have to go, but I can't let you go until you have paid." There was no tension in his voice at all. All he did was smiling for his customer's sudden hurry.

 _But of course. Why you're such an idiot?_ , Voice asked him. And Kili bit his lower lip, "Yeah... Yeah, i'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"Don't worry, it happens." Fili said and patted the other's arm. "Now, shall we?" He walked toward the kitchen and sat down at the table. 

"So, what do I owe you?" the brunet asked and tried not to sound melancholic as he pulled a wallet out of his pocket.

"35 pounds. Give me the banknotes first and then coins, depends on what you have."

Kili had two 50 pound banknotes in his wallet. He would have gladly given him exact change to save him the trouble, but he had no other choice but to give one 50 pound. The brunet watched as the masseur raised both hands, ready to take money in his hands. He placed it on the blond's hands, which he placed on the table. Then Fili began to check the banknote, sliding his fingers slowly along the edge of the note, making sure the color of the note and then smiled approvingly. He opened the strongbox next to him which he had brought there earlier. His fingers deftly picked up one 10 pound and one 5 pound note. He clearly knew the place where each banknote and coin was. Kili was quite amazed about that and took the change back when Fili offered it to him.

[](http://s48.photobucket.com/user/Luirumi/media/filiampkiliBBE2_zpsd16ee4d5.png.html)

"Thanks. I... need to go. Thanks, really. Good bye now," He said. Turning on his heels he quickly headed to the door and he barely heard what Fili said behind him. It didn't matter anymore. This was the first and last time he visited here. 

He hopped on his motorcycle, started the engine and suddenly...

"Oh fucking hell...!" He swore as he realized that he didn't have his helmet on. He had forgotten it inside. Muttering, he came down, went back to the door and rang the doorbell. 

"Kili?" Fili asked as he opened the door.

"Yes, it's me again. I just need to get my helmet..." He carefully passed by the blond and went to the massaging room. Then he came back out and putting on his helmet he turned to Fili. "Yeah uhm.. Bye, again." As he was going, he was stopped by Fili's question.

"Is that a motorcycle?" Fili asked curiously.

"Yes..."

"Which brand?"

"Yamaha," the brunet answered as he settled on the motorcycle.

"I know something about motorcycles and I like how they sound. I wish I could drive one, which is impossible... Or if someone could take me for a ride."

"Maybe someone will take you for a ride soon." Kili said without thinking and with that, he left Fili behind him.


	3. Everything Is Going To Be Alright

When Kili arrived home, he was just too tired and frustrated to take off his boots and jacket, so he fell on the bed on his stomach and buried his face in the pillow. He fought against the tears and self-pity and somehow he succeeded. But it didn't help him feel better. He didn't want to cry. Men didn't cry. Or at least his father had said so. That man was one of the reasons why Kili hated himself. And the second was the bullies at secondary school.

He had been looking for other people's approval so long. He had always been fond of video games. In childhood, he would have preferred to play with his friends than study hard. He wasn't bad at school, but not the best either, as his father would have wanted him to be. The best. He often complained of how his son was lazy, and he never could be anything. In the early teenage years, Kili realized that he was good with computers, but his father had said it was a waste of time and it wouldn’t take him anywhere. But he kept his head and said he would like to work with computers instead of being a doctor like his father. His father tried several times to make him change his mind and it was followed by dispute. When Kili left to study and moved away from home, his father stopped talking to him. Father didn't seem to love him enough, because he felt his father saw him more as some kind of... Investment. You're the investment, your father is an investor and if desirable return will not be achieved as expected, the investment may generate losses. That's how Kili felt. It made him feel useless, because he hadn't done as his father would have wanted him to do. He was a big disappointment.

In school he was a bit overweight and he wore glasses. He especially hated physical education classes, becaue the bullies liked to remind him how his fat belly bounced as he ran. They also said he would never get a girlfriend, because he was a fat nerd. And when his secondary school was coming to an end, Kili decided to start to lose some weight. It was hard. He had to say goodbye to Coca-Cola and crisps and reduce the size of the food portions. It helped, as well as the fact that he was still in growing age. He lost several pounds in a year. He also replaced the glasses with contact lenses and suddenly girls started to look at him. He began to hang out with those who liked to party hard, only because he wanted to belong somewhere. He was happy, but not long, because that wasn't who he was. But who was he really? That Kili didn't even know himself.

What has he done to deserve all this? He was certainly cursed.

***

It was a Saturday morning and it was Fili's time to wake up. He had set his iPhone's alarm clock to ring at nine, but the sound of the garbage truck outside had made him wake up earlier. Still sleepy, he reached for his phone on a nightstand, but he knocked it accidentally to the floor. The blond leaned over the edge of the bed and began to rake the floor with his hands. Fili smiled as he felt the soft fur in his hand, and felt it move under his touch. He quickly patted the dog and continued to search for his mobile. As he was visually impaired, it took a little time before he found it. When Fili had sat up, he pressed the Home- button on it, so the screen activated. Then he pressed his finger on the screen and the monotonic female voice spoke up.

 _"Eight fourty-nine."_ So the time was almost nine. Then he moved his finger to the screen.

 _"Slide. Double tap to o-"_ He double tapped it to open and went for The Sun app. 

The blond decided to lay back down on the bed for a while before the alarm went off, and he began to listen to the news which the voiceover read for him. It was a really good thing that such technology existed. Ten years ago you could only dream of this. 

Fili winced slightly at the sudden sound of the when it went off. He turned it off and as he was getting out of bed, the phone began to ring. He picked it up and pressed his finger on screen and a voice told who the caller was.

_"Fiona calling."_

The blond double tapped the Answer- button and raised the phone to his ear. "Morning, I just woke up," he said, yawning deeply and stretching his limbs.

Fiona was Fili's little sister. On Saturdays he usually went shopping or to take care of other things with his sister, because he always needed someone to help when visiting the center. Normally, his mother was with him, but mother had become critically ill and was in hospital. 

"Morning. I just thought to call and ask to make sure that are you going to run errands today..?"

"Yeah, I should go to the shop and maybe buy a new pair of shoes."

"Alright. Is an hour and half enough time to get ready?"

"Sounds good." Fili smiled, "I'll see you then."

"See you. Bye."

"Bye."

When the call ended, Fili stood up and he was careful to not step on the dog while passing by it. It wouldn't have been so easy if he didn't have dark carpets around the house, the pale fur stood out in contrast. He headed right away to the shower and after spending ten minutes there, he came out drying his hair in the towel. He touched the hair, combed it, and noted it had grown wildly though the last visit to the hairdresser was about four months ago. He liked his hair very short, but he had heard others praising how wavy curls made him look like incredibly good. Fili had no comment on it. He only thought was that short hair was easier to treat. He had laughed when someone had described his hair to be as radiant as the sun. But people generally liked to describe colors with objects and Fili knew he was blond though his sight was fuzzy, he could still see the colors.

Fili went to the kitchen, filled the electric kettle and left it heat up by itself for tea. Then he took a frying pan, placing it on the stove and he also stuck a couple slices of toast into the toaster. Then he opened the fridge and touched different sizes and shapes of cans and packages and found what he was searching for; jam, eggs and orange juice. The blond was precise about where each item was. Such a simple thing made his independent living easier, because otherwise it would have been chaotic if they sailed from one place to another all the time.

But something was missing. Music! He needed some music. Fili really enjoyed listening to music while cooking. So he walked to the living room and turned the stereo on and _Eye of the Tiger_ , one of the coolest songs that he knew, was playing on the radio channel. It immediately caught the blond with the rhythm and jamming he returned back to the kitchen to finish his breakfast.

After having an ordinary but pleasant breakfast, Fili headed back to the bedroom, placing his towel on back of chair and opened his wardrobe. First he put on his grey boxer briefs, followed by skinny denim jeans and socks. He then pulled a white t-shirt on and last a creamy white sweater. He took a brush and brushed his damp hair back, picked up his mobile again and pressed the button.

_"Nine fifty-seven."_

He had half a hour left so he had enough time to take Cloud to pee. Fili headed to the living room to turn off the stereo and then walked to the hallway, pulling his cognac brown brogue boots on. He didn't have to take a coat, because the weather in London was still so warm. And before he would forget; he went to get his sun glasses and raised them to his eyes. He called Cloud to him and put the harness on it. They went out and walked a couple of blocks and returned back home. Fili headed to the kitchen to put down some food for the dog before leaving. The blond checked his mobile again. About ten minutes to go. He went to grab his bag from chair and made sure that he had all the necessities with him like his wallet, and the shopping list which he had written yesterday evening. When they were okay, he put the mobile into his bag and sat down to wait. 

He heard the car come to a halt in front of the house. Fili rose and took a white cane which was leaning against the wall next to the front door and then made his way to the car, where his sister was waiting for him.

"So, are we ready to go?" Fiona asked, sounding pretty tired and numb.

"I am when you are." Fili replied and smiled at her. "You sound tired. How are you doing?"

"Do I." It wasn't a question, "Well, I've been better," she said and heaved a sigh and took a direction to the city center.

"Is there anything new about mom?"

"They called me yesterday."

"And?"

"She... They told me that the cancer has spread to other parts of the body." Fiona was trying to swallow her tears, and Fili reached for her to grab her hand. And she grabbed back.

Fili knew in his mind that his mother wasn’t doing well and she might not survive. But he couldn't just give up and think this was her end. He just couldn't. She can make it.. Hell she can. They already had lost their father to a heart attack. It had been two years and it happened suddenly like a heart attack is assumed to. They weren't prepared for it at all, unlike their mother's forthcoming death and Fili wanted to believe in his mother's surviving so much. He even believed on his sister's behalf when she didn't. And Fili felt that he needed to stay strong because of his sister. He was Fiona's emotional support while she helped Fili with everything else.

"She'll be okay," Fili said quietly and gently squeezed her hand.

"How you can be so sure?" Fiona nearly snapped at him, but she calmed herself before she sounded too angry. It wasn't her brother's fault that their mother was probably dying too. She was just less optimistic than Fili and she really appreciated that feature in him. She was just so terrified and sad and she probably would have to deal with a parent's death again. Though Fili's words gave her some hope. What she would do without her beloved brother?

"Believe me. And believe in our mother, too," Fili replied patiently.

***

When the siblings made their way back to Fili's home from the city center and after preparation of lunch, they sat there opposite one another in silence. The only sound was the clink of cutlery and food chewing.

Fiona looked around thoughtfully and decided to break silence. "You know, since Mary moved out, your home looks far better now," she said, waiting for her brother's reaction.

Fili remained silent for a long moment.

"Are you okay?" his sister asked carefully. "We don't have to talk about her, if you don't want to."

"Well, I'm glad you like it," Fili replied neutrally as he finished his food. He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. Avoiding the subject, he rose and gathered their dishes and carried them to the sink, rinsing and putting them into the dishwasher. And Fiona didn't talk about Mary any more.

The blond didn't wish to speak about a woman who had made his life difficult, sad, and above all, made him live in fear...

[](http://s48.photobucket.com/user/Luirumi/media/filiampfionaBBE3_zpscd9fe47b.png.html)


	4. I'm Sorry

It had been two weeks since Kili had visited the gorgeous masseur. And now he was sitting at his workstation. Alone. His colleagues had gone to do their job somewhere in university. Probably fixing computers personally when they couldn't handle them from there. The brunet’s thoughts were wandering somewhere other than in his work. Now that Kili had pulled himself together from the last time, he had begun to rethink a visit at to Fili's. Not only because of the man, but his ache had returned and he squirmed uncomfortably on the chair, stretched his neck and massaged his shoulders. He left so quickly from Fili’s that he the masseur had no opportunity to give Kili advice on self-care. Oddly enough, Kili still had the masseur's phone number and he had decided to not to go there anymore. Well, he could have just go to another masseur but at the same time, he didn't want to. He was so fucked up.

Bitting his upper lip, the brunet reached for his mobile and when he had been rolling it in his hands for a time, he searched the number and began to call.

"Filbert Johnson."

"Hey, it's me. Kili, if you remember." Kili spoke quietly as he repeatedly tapped the table with pen nervously.

"Ah, I do remember you. The guy with whom I was compatible with the nicknames," Fili said cheerfully and Kili thought he couldn't get enough of that voice. He may not have had the deepest male voice, but the way he spoke was high but soft and warm like a sun. And Kili couldn't help it, but it brought a smile to his lips. "And you're also that cool guy with motorcycle."

Cool? It made Kili snort, "Well, I'm not sure about that."

"I think you are. But now. How can I help you?"

"Okay," Kili sighed. "My ache has returned and I'm sorry I left so quickly last time that you didn't have time to advise me with self-care," Kili replied, slightly embarrassed.

"Don't worry about that. This time I'll make sure you won't flee," Fili laughed.

Kili felt the fine blush to creep on his cheeks. "I would like to have full body massage." It wasn't that he would have needed it in any way. And it would cost him a hell of a lot more, but he had some kind of ulterior motive just to be longer with Fili.

"Alright. And what would be the appropriate time for you?"

"From Monday to Friday I'm free at 5pm , on weekends I'm available at any time."

"Mm-hmm. Let's see..." Fili said and Kili heard him rustling paper as if he were checking a notebook, "You're lucky, there's a free slot at 5.30pm tomorrow. Are you taking it?"

"Absolutely."

"That's great. Let me know if you're going to cancel," Fili smiled.

"I think I won't."

"We'll see tomorrow then."

"Yeah, bye."

"See you."

***

Fili sat on sofa, giving his dog some attention by scratching its head as it rested on his lap. His previous customer left about fifteen minutes ago and the day's last customer was coming any minute. He heard a familiar sound of the motorcycle coming and stopping at his house. The blond got up and went towards the door before the doorbell even rung, rang, opened it and saw a dark figure stop in front of him out of the corners of his eyes.

"I heard you coming," Fili said widely smiling.

"I guess they all heard me coming," came a deep tone response which he recognized as Kili and he could sense a smile in his voice.

Fili allowed the man inside by moving out of the way and Kili took it as a sign and walked over the doorstep. Both men walked across the house to the massage room, Kili repeated the action from the last time by stripping off his upper body. Suddenly he remembered that he had ordered a full body massage.

"I think I need to take off my socks and jeans," the brunet murmured.

"Yes, but you can keep your underwear on," Fili said as he picked up a towel, waiting for his customer to lie down.

Kili left his underwear on and then lay down, letting Fili cover his rear. The blond poured a little bit of massage oil on his palm, warmed it for a moment between his palms and then pressed them against a slim back. His hands slid all over the back, fingers working alternately with hard knots. Fili also gave his attention to the legs. He asked to make sure was it okay to massage Kili's soles and he was allowed to do so. Not everyone enjoyed that because they were so ticklish. When the time had passed for a while, the brunet asked an unexpected question:

"Have you encountered perverted customers?"

"A couple of times. If it counts," Fili replied.

"Were they men or women?" Kili continued.

"Women."

"What did they do?"

"They didn't have underwear on and they purposely tried to encourage me to touch their intimate areas. Nothing shocking."

"What did you do?" 

"Nothing. I continued my work as if nothing had happened. It's not part of my services to give erotic massage."

"And have you dated any of your customers?"

"... Once," Fili replied. He wasn't sure where this talk was going or where Kili was aiming at, but he hoped that the brunet wouldn't ask any more questions about the subject.

"Where is she... Or he now?" Kili asked quietly and he wondered if he was he asking too much.

Fili smiled. "Let's get this done now, okay?" he suggested politely.

Fili didn't get an answer, but Kili didn't ask any more questions. The blond continued working on his body untill he felt the body begin to tremble slightly under touch. Then came the quiet sniff from the head of the table, but he still could hear it.

"It's alright," Fili said gently. He knew that massage caused a pleasant feeling both physically and psychologically and often customers were encouraged to tell about their worries and problems. "You can speak to me if you want." 

The words which he received surprised him.

"Nothing is fucking alright. And it's none of your business," came the angry respond from Kili and Fili pulled his hands off of him when he felt the other man get up from the massage table.

"It's alright." Fili soothed, "I have a duty of confidentiality, you don't need to be afraid of-"

"Are you goddamn deaf, too? It's none of your fucking-" Kili snarled while he was pulling boots on. One of them refused to cooperate and he pulled with force. "Business!"

Fili froze. Kili's words stabbed him like a knife and he didn't understand why he was suddenly so furious. What happened? Did he do something wrong?

"I..." Fili managed to open his mouth. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I did, but I didn't mean anything bad," he said softly, a hint of hurt in his tone.

The brunet pulled a jacket on him last and growled, "What do I owe you?"

"70 pounds." Fili replied quietly as he lowered his head. He was bemused, but he wanted to understand Kili. He wanted to know what drove him to that state but he didn't dare to ask when the brunet was that angry. He wanted to help him so much. 

Then Fili heard a sound of fumbling and a little slam against the table.

"Keep the change." Kili muttered.

And he was gone again. 

***

Kili lay quietly on the bed staring at the ceiling. He felt so weak and fragile but he still didn't allow himself to break down. He, however, was on the edge of tears; it scared the shit out of him and he had got angry at himself and Fili got some of his anger when he was just trying to help. During the massage, Kili felt that he was cared for and it felt like he could have open himself up for Fili. He was allowed to do it and he kind of wanted to, but he would only be ashamed of himself being such a crybaby. And the thing which made this even worse was how Fili sounded and looked. That beautiful and kind man was clearly offended by his unnecessary words. Burying his face in his hands, Kili let out a groan of shame, face burning bright red.

The brunet rose from the bed. He needed a cigarette so badly right now. It was about two years since he had quit smoking entirely. He used to smoke while hanging out with friends or when he was bored. Everyone smoked and if you didn't, you were easily left outside of the group because most of socializing like shit talking and the rumors were shared at smoking circle. Now he had no reason to smoke when there was no one to do it with. And of course, he has saved lots of money and maybe he could live longer now.

Kili went to search for it. He remembered that he had hidden a pack of cigarettes somewhere. Just in case for bad days. And now he was having one. He dug all over where he remembered it to be, until the silver coloured package, Lambert & Butler caught his eye on the bottom of drawer. _Well hello there_ , he thought and grinning he picked it up, taking a lighter too. The brunet headed to outside and when he was lighting a cigarette, he froze and stared at the flame. Was this really necessary? Was it really necessary to ruin this when he had successfully stayed away from smoking?

Sighing, Kili went back inside and threw the cigarette, package, and the lighter into the recycle bin. Although it would have relaxed his nerves a bit, it didn't help him to run away from problems. He stood there, thinking. Would it make him feel even a little bit better, if he apologized? It bothered him too much to think how he spoke to Fili and got him offended. 

He would do it. Tomorrow.

***

He hoped this wasn't too weird. Kili had gone to the flower shop with the idea of giving Fili a flower as an apology, because he had noticed the blond's interest in flowers. The florist had asked to whom he was giving flowers and what kind of message he wanted to convey. And when Kili had told he wanted to apologize to someone who wasn't even his friend, but he hoped that they could start with a clean slate, the florist had suggested to give him eighteen yellow roses. They meant the beginning of a new start and that he was sorry. The brunet hadn't warmed up to the idea. It was way too sappy for his taste and he had decided that a simple red tulip was enough. With meaning or without.

However, Kili had to use his imagination in how he could bring the flower with him without it flying off while driving the motorcycle. The flower was wrapped carefully, but it didn't guarantee that it would have remained undamaged inside his jacket where Kili had decided to put it. But he took a risk.

It was evening and it was getting dark when Kili parked at Fili's place. He first checked the condition of flower and it seemed that it did pretty well. He took a deep breath and headed for the door. The brunet deduced from lights that Fili was at home and still awake. After ringing the doorbell he waited, until Fili came to open the door.

"Who is this?"

"Kili," he replied and he noticed that Fili wasn't wearing his sun glasses.

"Oh..." Fili said quietly. "Hello. What is it?"

"I'm so sorry being such an asshole yesterday. I didn't mean to," Kili said repentantly, "It's just me and my stupid mind, not you."

A small smile rose to Fili's lips, "It's okay."

"It's _not_ okay,” the brunet said seriously, took Fili's hand and placed the wrapped flower in it. "Please, take this."

Fili blinked his eyes, "What is this?" He asked curiously as he began to remove the paper. When Fili finally pulled it off, he touched the flower with his fingers and realized, "Oh."

Kili smiled, "I hope this isn't too weird. I noticed you like flowers."

Fili brought it to his nose and sniffed deeply, studied the shape of the flower carefully and looked at the color. "Is this a tulip?"

"Yeah."

"So, you wanted to confess your love to me?"

"Wha... No! I just thought to bring a tulip, because I saw them here in a vase two weeks ago and-" Kili explained quickly and felt his face redden.

"I was just teasing you," Fili interrupted him, smiling mischievously and bringing his adorable dimples up once again, "If you give someone a red tulip it means that you confess your love, but it really doesn't matter to me. This was really nice of you. Apology accepted."

"Ah," the taller man snorted, "you bastard."

"Would you like to come in, or are you going to flee again?" The blond grinned, "Tea is ready in a minute, if you would like to have some."

"I was so childish running away like that. I won't do that again. I promise. And tea would be great," Kili smiled.

Kili came inside and removed his boots and jacket in the hallway. They headed to the living room, Fili gestured him to take a seat as he went to the kitchen. The brunet sat down on the sofa, crossed his arms and listened to the sounds coming from kitchen. Fili came into the living room for a moment, put a tulip in the vase on the table and went back. The TV was on and it seemed that Fili was watching, or listening to, some documentary about living inside North Korea. Kili watched it a while just because he hadn't anything else to do, until he saw in the corner of the eye that Fili's dog had come there.

"Hey you." The brunet greeted smiling and reached his hand for it, letting the dog sniff it first before scratching its head.

Then Fili came back and handed over a cup of tea. "Here you are."

Once Kili received it and thanked him, the blond sat next to him. Both sat quietly for a long time sipping tea. Neither of them seemed to know what to talk about. And Fili was the first who broke the awkward silence.

"What do you think about that painting?" Fili motioned the painting behind them. "Marvelous, isn't it?"

Kili turned his head to look at it and shrugged. "It's nice." He wasn't into art so much, but the painting had quite nice colours.

"It's from the Netherlands."

"As I thought. I mean, I have seen so many pictures like that about the Netherlands."

"Have you ever been there?"

"Nah," Kili shook his head, "I have been in some other countries, but not in the Netherlands."

"You should. Keukenhof is worth the trip alone."

"Keukenhof?"

"Yeah, it's a park in the town of Lisse. It's specialized in tulips and other bulbs like lily, narcissus, iris and amaryllis. There are more than 1600 varieties. We went there, me, my dad, mom and sister, in early May, because most of flowers are more colorful then. It's an awesome place; so many beautiful colours and the scent is heady. I wanted something that reminds me of the Netherlands. So that's why I have this painting. And sometimes I like to buy some flowers for myself, because their scent reminds me of it, too."

Fili's dark blue eyes were twinkling in the dim light, his curvy lips were pulled into a devout smile as he spoke with that soft tone about Keukenhof and Kili couldn't do anything but stare and listen to him rapturously, a small smile on his face. He was gorgeous. And so beautiful. Fili didn't have to do anything other than talk and Kili felt himself melting. This was ridiculous.

[](http://s48.photobucket.com/user/Luirumi/media/filiampkiliBBE4jaa_zps47d631e6.png.html)

"What about you?" Fili asked, dropping Kili back down.

Kili's dark brows pulled down into a frown, "... What 'what about me'?"

"Tell me about yourself."

Kili snorted and scratched his head. "There's nothing to tell really."

"I believe there is," Fili said gently smiling as he encouraged the brunet.

"I just wake up in the morning, I go to work, I’m there until I go home and play WoW until I go to bed," Kili murmured as he stirred uncomfortably in his place. 

"What is WoW?"

"Uh... World of Warcraft," Kili felt his cheeks starting to burn again. "It's uh, massively multiplayer online role-playing game."

"Uh huh," Fili nodded and scratched his beard, "I think I have heard something about it."

Kili smiled sadly. "That's it. Nothing interesting."

"Would you freak out, if I asked what made you so angry yesterday?"

The brunet felt himself stiffen. Oh no. He just couldn't tell Fili what he was thinking about him all the time or about his past, "Please," he murmured, "let's not talk about it right now."

"Okay, we don't need to. I'm sorry," Fili hurried to say and smiled at him.

The brunet checked the time and realized that at least a hour has passed. It meant that he should go home already, "It's quite late. I should go," Kili sighed and placed his empty cup onto table and rose. "Thanks for tea." 

"I see." Fili nodded, doing the same. They both walked to the hallway and Fili watched in the corner of the eyes, his head tilted to the right side as Kili dressed.

"I think I won't get used to that," Kili said after dressing.

"Get used to what?"

"To that, like you're looking at something behind me." Kili grinned and put his helmet on.

"Trust me, you will." The blond chuckled, his words full of promises.

"Was that a promise?" Kili asked and tried not to sound too excited about his innuendo.

"Weeell. Maybe, if we do a better acquaintance. I'm still waiting for when you're gonna take me on that ride." 

Kili was confused, "What..? When I have said something like that?"

"At the first visit," Fili smiled, "If it's okay with you."

It seemed that Kili had totally forgotten his promise. What else he had said in a shitty mood? And Fili had remembered it and was still willing to go. It was... Well, he hadn’t imagined this would happen. "Do you really want to?" the taller man asked softly.

"Why not?" Fili's brows raised questioningly.

The brunet shook his head slightly. "If you insist. What day is good for you?"

"What about Saturday? At 5pm? I need to take care of things in the morning so-"

"It's fine to me. I'll be here then. And make sure you put warm clothes on. You don't want to freeze your arse," Kili said and heard the rain drops hitting the ground outside. First quietly and then increasing the volume, "Yeah, let's hope it's not raining that day." He made a face. It was going to be a wet trip to home.

"Okay, _daddy_." The blond grinned. "Safe driving."

They said their farewells and Kili stepped outside to the heavy rain. He sat down on the back of the motorcycle, launched it and headed towards home. Now he had to be careful, the rain was so heavy that he couldn't see properly through the visor. That didn't go badly. In fact, it went pretty well and Kili was pleased with himself, that his apology was accepted and Fili wanted to meet him again. He was looking forward to Saturday.


	5. The Ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaah! I'm so sorry it took so long. Sometimes personal life just comes in the way. 
> 
> Without further parley. Enjoy!

The mobile's alarm went off and Fili winced awake from a deep sleep. He let out a small, sleepy sound, grabbed it from the nightstand and turned it off. He rose reluctantly to a sitting position and sat there a while, trying to wake up the rest of the brain sells. When he felt himself more than half awake, he headed for the shower to wake himself fully.

After his shower Fiona made her routine call to him, he confirmed he would be ready about in an hour. The blond prepared a breakfast and after eating and dressing he took Cloud to outside for a morning pee. Life was going in the same grooves from day to day, from week to week and from month to month. Fili was kind of grateful that he was able to start a new life after Mary. He never knew what mood she’d be in at any given time. Mostly he had walked on eggshells around her. On the other hand being single at his age was pretty lonely sometimes. Most people his age were already married, and had at least one child. He didn't have either of these. His few friends happened to fit the profile into this category these days, and they seemed to be drowned in their busy lives. Oh well, at least he had Cloud.

When Kili had promised to take Fili for a ride, he was rather excited. Like a kid waiting for Christmas. He had always wanted to ride on a motorcycle and Kili seemed to be very nice guy. Though the blond had noticed pretty soon that he was not all right. Kili seemed to be tense and nervous and seemed to be afraid of something that might be revealed. Fili, who has always had a strong desire to help and for whom caring came as naturally as breathing, wanted to help Kili. It would have made him feel a little bit better, but he didn't seem to appreciate the masseur's help and got angry at him. Later Fili was thinking about going to call him when the worst storm had calmed down, but abandoned the idea because it was impossible to know which one was Kili's number among a large number of clients in his work mobile. Fili had been quite sure that he wouldn’t come back there anymore, and was happily surprised when Kili came back so remorseful and sincere. The blond didn't expect to get a flower, but didn't complain. Actually, it was quite an attentive gesture. It gave the impression that Kili had been thinking about a lot of his behavior. He really was a good guy.

Fili came back with Cloud, fed him and soon he heard a car stop at the front yard. The blond grabbed a bag and cane and went to the car.

"Just in time." The blond smiled at Fiona.

"You should know that I'm always punctual,"she grinned back and took a direction to the center. ”By the way, would you like to go for a walk tonight?"

"I would like to, but I am meeting someone in the afternoon."

Fiona's brows rose nearly to her hairline in surprise. "Are you dating again?"

"What? Oh god, no. He's just my customer who promised to take me for a ride."

"Ride, you say? You can go for a ride with me, if you want." She continued grinning because she wasn't satisfied yet.

"It's not a date really... He has a motorcycle and you know that I have always wanted to be on one. We talked and I said it would be great if I could get a ride sometimes. Though I didn't ask it directly. But he promised."

"Who is this guy then?"

"His name is Kili-" And when Fiona instantly made a noise in surprise, he continued, "Yeah, I know. Amusing, isn't it? His real name is Kieran." Fili smiled.

He didn't think they were going on a date. The blond had just met Kili and taking a ride didn't have to mean anything special. If things went well, at least he might get a friend. When it came to Fili's sexual orientation, he liked both women and men but wasn't sure whom he was more into. He had had crushes several times when he was younger, they were both girls and boys but they never responded to his feelings.

 _"You're like a brother to me,”_ some of his female friends had said.

 _"I'm not into men,"_ one of his male friend had said.

 _"You're a wonderful, kind man and there's nothing wrong with you. It's me,"_ some other female friends had said.

It was understandable, if someone didn't like men, but he began to wonder if there was something wrong with him as he never seemed to be good enough for anyone. Was it because of his disability or was he... boring? Fili had no idea, no one ever told.

He had been in a relationship only once, with Mary. The young woman had come in for massage just like anyone else and soon she opened out about her relationships in which she had been cheated on and she couldn't stand it any longer. And Fili had listened, giving all his sympathy for her. The blond realized that Mary was broken inside and she needed to get her self-confidence back. After the first visit, Mary returned to him a few times just for getting a massage. They had conversations about her background and Fili found out that Mary has also had a difficult childhood with her drunk mother who changed the men more often than socks. Her father had left very early when she was just a toddler.

They both began to feel more than the customer relationship between them. Fili felt for the first time in his life that someone considered him to be special. It had intoxicated him, and every time Mary visited him, he was all smiles and nervousness fluttered in his stomach like a thousand butterflies. He wanted to hear Mary's lovely voice to tell how wonderful he was over and over again. Fili knew he had crossed the line, but he didn't give a shit and decided to ask her out, and Mary agreed. Their relationship proceeded quickly and they were like two lovesick teenagers. They barely knew each other, but all felt so, so good... As long as it lasted.

Fili felt his ears burning in shame. He had been so stupid. So stupid to leap into a relationship without knowing the person well. He was just so in love with falling in love, that his head was floating in the air until the euphoria faded and he was kicked back to face a dark reality. To know who Mary really was. 

Fili would never do that again. He had promised that to himself. 

"Be careful, I don't want you to suffer that shit again," Fiona said evenly, looking at her brother out of the corner of her eye, "promise?" 

"Don't worry about me," Fili murmured, "I know what I'm doing."

 

*-*-*

 

It was almost 5pm and Fili was sitting patiently outside on the steps, listening to sounds around him. He began to feel hot sitting there in a thick coat and pants, but when it got dark it would bring cooler air and besides, they were going to take a ride on motorcycle after all.

The sound of a motorcycle began to echo a couple of blocks away and Fili stood up. It came closer and finally halted before him and the sound stopped.

"Yo," Kili greeted him.

"Hey," Fili smiled and before he had time to say anything else, the blond felt a blow against his chest that caused him to wince and yelp in surprise. He brought his hand up to hold his chest and heard the hard material hit the ground.

"Oh shit!" Kili cried out in horror and came almost running at Fili, "I'm so sorry... I forgot like for a second that you can't see so well. Fuck, I'm so stupid,” the brunet slurred embarassed as he bent down to take the dropped helmet from the ground.

"Well, I didn't see that coming." Fili joked and then grinned as he rubbed his chest. It didn't really hurt that much but the sudden blow had made him quail a little.

"Are you okay?" Kili's question was so worried in an impossible cute way and it was so real.

"Oh yeah, I thought you were going to take me for a ride, not break my bones,” the blond replied half serious and expected Kili to joke with him, but instead the other man went silent for a moment until his dark silhouette covered Fili's sight.

"Take off your glasses," Kili murmured.

"Uh, okay,” Fili said. He removed them and felt the helmet being put on his head and heard the sound of a click as Kili locked it up.

"Try to put them back now," Kili requested and the blond complied, but it wasn't so easy; the frames didn't settle where they should and left the glasses to a oblique position. ”You should leave them off, they don't look comfortable." He murmured.

"Oh, yeah. I think that's for the best," Fili agreed and headed back inside to put them away. Luckily for him the sun was descenting into horizon, so he didn't need to worry so much about his eyes. And he always could close them if he had to. "I'm ready,” the blond smiled. 

"Come then," the brunet said and hesitatingly grabbed on Fili's wrist and led him towards the motorcycle. He sat on it first and let Fili explore the shape of the bike. When he seemed to figure out where to settle, he started it. "Now grab on me."

Fili noted that he was sitting slightly higher than Kili and after hearing his words, the blond placed his hands on the man's shoulders. Somehow it didn't feel safe enough so he slid them along Kili's back to his waist. The bike started to move and Fili couldn't help the wide grin of enthusiasm. When the bike started to turn left to leave a street, it was reflex for Fili when he wrapped his arms around Kili's slim waist and the blond felt the man's torso tense at it. The turn made him feel they were going to fall when the bike tilted to the side, but his concern was unnecessary.

 

*-*-*

 

They had been on the road at least for an hour, maybe an hour and half and neither of them said anything the whole time. Fili didn't know exactly where Kili had driven them, but he could tell that the noise of the city was left behind and the cars passed by less. The time seemed long, but the blond enjoyed the ride very much. It was very different compared to travelling by car and he liked it.

Suddenly Fili felt the bike start to brake, slowed down and his weight leaned more into Kili because of it. In the end, the pace stopped completely and the rumble of the motorbike died. The silence of a nature fell over them.

"Why we stopped?" Fili asked.

"Need to take a piss," Kili replied as he started to rise, "could you?"

"Oh, yes." The blond pulled his arms away from the other's waist and and rose as well and Kili walked along the edge of the road away from him. 

Nature called Fili, too. Not so greatly, but he gladly would take care of it right now so they wouldn't have to stop on the way home again. He crossed the road, giving Kili a bit of privacy and unfastened his pants. The road under his feet felt gravelly and there was a lot of vegetation around. Leaves on the trees were beginning to turn yellow and brown, making a beautiful color mixture of gold, copper and green in his eyes. The blond carefully gazed through his lashes at the horizon where the day's last rays of the sun created a bright red-orange, fuzzy spot on his retina. There seemed to be a huge field before him as he studied the sight and deduced they were at the countryside.

"Pissing in the sunset, what could be better?" Fili chuckled.

"Well, I think my dick is freezing," Kili said, his tone serious.

Oh god, he was so serious that it was funny at the same time and Fili let out a quiet snort of amusement. He hoped Kili could relax even a bit. He was as tense as a bow string.

Once the blond had finished wetting mother nature and fastening his trousers, he came back and soon Kili followed him. "You know," Fili started to say as he settled on the back of the seat behind the brunet, his stomach grumbling, "I'm starving. Can we go eat something?" he asked hopefully.

"Where do you want to go?"

"I have always wanted to try Honest Burgers. Some say their burgers and homemade lemonade are very good. Have you ever been there?"

"Once, but I didn't like the rosemary chips very much. Burgers are good as well as the onion rings."

"Aw, that's a shame. But if you could ask them to leave the spice out?" Fili ducked his head and wrapped his arms around Kili again. This time the brunet didn't tense.

"I could try."

"Okie dokie," the blond grinned, "what are we waiting for? I'm starving to death, mate." He chivied lightly and patted the brunet's stomach. Kili was silent, but started the engine and turned it around and they headed back to the city.

 

*-*-*

 

Kili stopped just in front of the restaurant at Tooting, he removed his helmet and helped Fili to remove his. He looked inside through the large windows. He was expecting the place to be full since it was Saturday night when people were out, but there were only a couple of people, lucky for them. 

"Before we go inside, you should know that I would like you to help me there and describe the environment," Fili said.

Kili nodded in agreement.

"Kili?"

"What?"

"Can you do that?"

"Well I just... Yeah," the brunet grimaced and then facepalmed. "Yes, of course. I just forgot again that you might not see what I'm doing,” he murmured behind his palm. When would he get used to this?

Fili just smiled, "You always need to talk to me instead of using your body language, because I don't know the gestures other people use all the time. Okay?"

"Yeah, sorry. I can do that." Kili smiled awkwardly.

"Man, you don't need to apologize all the time. I'm not mad at you." The blond grinned and shook the other man gently by his shoulders. "Relax, you're just a human like me. What if I told you a true story of an 18 year old man who got his first guide dog? He had difficulties relying on the dog's sense of direction, and one time he went for a walk with it. The dog tried the other way and the man thought: ’No, dog, it's the wrong way. This way, I know better.’ And what happened? He literally sank in his pride. His knee sank all the way down in a pit filled with water, and he thought he was a total idiot. He even believed the dog thought the same way. But it had been right. It was just trying to take a safer route forward. He didn't learn his lesson right away. It took a lot of time. And in the end, he learned."

Kili listened to the blond and it amused him so much that he threw his head back and began to laugh. He knew who the man was in the story. It swept the tension out of him. He worried about himself damn too much again. The brunet imagined himself to be the only one in the world who made mistakes and messed up everything. He couldn't even imagine Fili's faults, because he was absolutely _perfect_. How someone was able to be patient, kind, handsome, endearing and relaxed at the same time. And how confident he was of his disability. 

Now Fili joined in the laughter. He was laughing at himself and Kili felt a small sting of jealousy within him. Why would a person like Fili hang out with a person like Kili who didn't have anything to give?

_"I wish I could be like you."_

"Okay, lead the way," Fili finally said when he was able to stop laughing.

They went inside, Kili one step ahead while Fili held him by the elbow. Smell of oily rosemary chips and fried steaks welcomed them and they stopped inside the door. 

"Yeah, this is a pretty long room. When we came through the door, on the left side there are two large windows, and below it a long bar table. On the left wall is a large black board which shows a menu. There's a line of tables on both sides of the room, separated by a passage that leads to the end of the room stopping at the counter. There is also one passage which leads to toilets to the right of the front door. The decor reminds me of the shack, but in very cozy way. There are wooden panels on the walls, tables are made of wood as well as the floor," Kili told him and stomp the floor and it boomed in response. And there is this random bike hanging on the right wall. Dunno, don't even ask why. It seems it bears the name of the company on it." He chuckled.

"Thank you. You're very good at describing," Fili grinned. "So, what's on the menu?"

"We need to get closer." Kili said as he walked over to the board and Fili followed. The menu offered three alternative form of burgers. One was chicken, second beef and the third vegetable. Beef had much more variations unlike the rest which had only one. Kili told Fili what each meal included. They agreed on which side order they would take. Onion rings lured them both so they took them. Fili clearly was after homemade lemonade and Kili was content with a glass of water. They wondered for a long time choosing the type of burgers. Kili came up with the "Honest" which included beef, smoked bacon, red onion, pickled cucumber, cheddar and lettuce. He had to repeat time and time again the ingredients of hamburgers for Fili and he finally ended up with the "Special". It also included beef, bacon and smoked cheddar, sauerkraut and currywurst sauce. It was Kili's intention to pay for both meals, but instead Fili insisted on paying because he felt that Kili had done so much for him. After that, they chose a seat further away from other customers.

"Thank you. It's been a nice evening," Fili told him, smiling, and Kili was about to say something negative, but forced his mouth shut.

"You're welcome?" Kili's eyebrows questioningly twisted like he wasn't sure of his answer.

"I would like to go for a ride some other time, if it's all right for you." The blond sounded truly eager but there was a slight hint of tension. Kili couldn't keep his mouth shut any longer. He needed to know.

"Why do you care so much? Why are you hanging out with me?"

Fili looked confused. "Why not?"

"I..." Kili's words seemed to be stuck in throat and he just sat there staring at those azure eyes, his jaw hanging open. He now regretted opening his mouth. The brunet knew that he was going to say too much, but he also knew that Fili wouldn't let the matter rest. "I have nothing to give... I'm not like... You." He sounded so small and pathetic that it embarrassed him.

"And what I am then?" Fili's question was neutral.

"Perfect..."

"Do you want to know what I think about you? I was confused when you got angry at me and when I thought it more, you actually weren't angry at _me_. You are afraid of something and it scares you that it will be revealed. You're carrying anger and shame within you. As if you were angry and embarrassed at yourself," Fili told him.

Kili felt his guts freeze. It was terrifying how well Fili had read him. At the same time he was both relieved that someone finally noticed, and annoyed that he hasn't been able to contain his emotions. He wasn't sure what to feel.

"But I think you're really nice guy, you just don't believe it yourself," Fili said gently and though his eyes didn’t directly meet Kili's, they were full of caring and warmth and Kili felt himself start to tremble. "You're really caring and what was incredible, that you obviously thought about what you said to me in anger and you apologized. I want to help. Not because I pity you, but because I want you to love yourself again and realize how amazing you are. It's important to people to love themselves first and there's nothing embarrassing about it," he said as he searched for Kili's hand on the table and when their fingers met, they were laced together.

The touch of Fili’s fingers sent small electric shocks along Kili's arm, giving him goosebumps. Fili's words hit him hard like a wave and hot tears reached his dark eyes. This was absurd, this was scary and this had to be a dream. A quiet sob escaped from Kili's lips and he still held himself back. They were at a public place and the brunet didn't want to get any attention on them.

"And no one is perfect," Fili continued, squeezing the brunet's hand reassuringly and smiled. "Not even me. We all have our good and bad sides."

"I envy you," Kili whispered weakly as the tears misted his sight and he wiped them away. "I envy you because you're so confident of yourself. I have always thought that living with a disability sucks because you can't see well, but... you're happy. And you're so kind and... everything," he stuttered. Now it was said, although not all of it.

"Happiness doesn't look at the state of health, anyone can be happy. I just do things differently and I have felt happy like this," Fili said and released his hand from Kili's.

The meals were brought to them, Fili enjoyed the scent of rosemary chips, tasted and he decided that they were now in his favorite list. Kili listened to his torrential praise, smiling. If he was fucked up a moment ago, now he could smile. The brunet took a bite of his burger, cheddar and beef melted in his mouth. It was, indeed, good to be able to taste the homemade steak and bread rolls. Even the chips, and with relish he closed his eyes until Fili cheerfully demanded Kili taste the homemade lemonade. Kili did and it was as refreshingly delicious as the blond had described. Though it needed a bit more sugar in his opinion. Kili realized that he hadn't asked for chips without rosemary, but now he decided to just deal with it and ate them. They didn't talk much; they were way too busy with chewing a mouthful of food and humming in satisfaction.

After finishing the meals, Kili escorted Fili home.

"Here we are," Kili informed him as he stopped at the house. Fili rose, removing the spare helmet and giving it to Kili, who put it back in the bag.

"Thanks," Fili said and turned to face Kili, soft smile curving his lips.

"Thanks to _you_." Kili stressed his words, "Y-you have made me feel a little better today,” he said shyly.

"Don't mention it," the other man replied, "it was my intention. Before you leave, can I have your number? Believe me, I tried to search it on my other phone but I gave up, because there were just too many other customer numbers and they have no name on them."

Kili's cheeks began to glow. Fili had wanted to call him. It still felt so absurd how he cared. He barely knew Kili. What if he wasn’t as amazing as Fili contended and didn’t want to hang out with him anymore? Kili simply didn't deserve this kind of attention.

"Okay," Kili replied. "Gimme your mobile, I'll tap it down." After saving his number in Fili’s phone he returned it.

"When we see each other again?" Fili asked hopefully.

Kili shrugged, "Dunno. Sometime."

"I'll call if you don't." The blond grinned and placed his hand on the other's shoulder. "Remember what we talked about, okay?"

Kili looked up at Fili, his dimple caught a shadow in the warm streetlight and he had a great urge to kiss that tempting line, but it would be a very stupid idea right now.  
"I'll try,” he promised softly, never moving his gaze from Fili's face.

"Good." Fili smiled and gently shook him by the shoulder, then pulling away. "See you. Good night now."

"Night." And with that Kili watched the gorgeous, sweet man go inside. He smiled. His emotions were a confusing mess; his darker side wanted to withdraw from the situation, but most of him wanted and longed for more. He hasn't felt that kind of caring for a long time.

[](http://s48.photobucket.com/user/Luirumi/media/beyondblindeyes555_zps723fdc3c.png.html)


	6. An Evening Walk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are awesome. Your feedbacks makes me happy because I honestly didn't expect this to interest many of you. Also thanks for sharing this at Tumblr and make this known. This keeps me motivated. Thank you. <3
> 
> Now I'm concentrating some other things before christmas so we'll see again next year! I wish you a merry christmas and happy new year!

When Kili arrived home, he headed straight to the bathroom and peeled out of his clothes, dumping them in to a laundry basket. He hadn't expected the evening to be so overwhelming and unnerving that it had made him sweat. Fili's presence, his body leaning against his back and his arms wrapped around Kili's waist, had made the brunet's mind race in filthy thoughts, causing his blood to flow just right there where he wanted the least. He would have gladly taken care of an awkward erection but it was impossible when Fili was with him. The thing that he was most happy about was that Fili couldn't see it. Kili had forced his thoughts away before they were back in the city and his erection had calmed down.

Kili let the hot water pour on him. He stood there, eyes closed for a moment, letting the water relax and loosen him up until he started the actual washing, starting with his hair. The idea of Fili showering with him drifted into Kili's mind. The image of the other man washing his hair instead of himself, gentle smile on Fili's face as he worked with it, was pleasing. Even more pleasing was when his mind was creating an image of Fili's naked body. How did it look? Fili seemed to be hairy, judging from what he had seen on his face, arms and chest. Maybe it continued under his shirt and spread all over his chest, narrowed down, spreading around his navel and then his groin where his beautiful cock rested. He had no idea how it would look like but it didn't matter. Fili was already beautiful. And his ass. Oh how he loved to watch those round and firm buttocks which coaxed him to squeeze them. The image was so arousing that it made Kili's member fill and rise again. Now that he was alone, Kili finally was able to do something about it, so he grabbed himself, leaned against the wall and let his mind fly. He imagined his hand being Fili's instead, who adored him on his knees; whispered endearments falling from his lips as he slowly and steadily pumped Kili even harder.

As Kili kept working on himself, his breath became heavier, shaft throbbing. Erotic images where the golden haired beauty begged to have a taste and he gladly gave it. Groaning deeply, the white ropes of semen spilled around, some disappearing in to the shower drain and some landing on the shower curtain. Kili gasped for breath and the beauty below him had a most satisfied, loving face as he licked his lips and fingers and told how much he loved him.

 _Love you too_ , the brunet responded in his head and slowly his lips pulled in to a smile. 

Kili stood there for a moment calming his breath and thoughts and once they were clear, he was disappointed. He was alone, Fili wasn't with him and the semen had messed a shower curtain. Sighing to himself, Kili rinsed it away and finished washing himself. He came out drying his hair and then just tossed the towel on the bed, sat down on the chair and started the computer. He didn't bother to dress but he, however, put on boxer briefs because he often liked to be in underwear when he was alone. As he began to brush his hair, he looked around the small flat. There was a lot of stuff in disarray, there were empty bottles and dirty plates and glasses on the table, the bed hadn’t been made for a long time, dirty clothes rested in a big heap on the bed and waited for laundry. He, however, was too lazy to do anything about it. Usually they didn't even reach the laundry basket but sailed from the bed to the chair and back to the bed again when Kili went to sleep or settled down at the computer. Sometimes it got to the point that he simply didn't have anything to put on and he did a load of laundry. Now when he was thinking about this... when was the last time he had even vacuumed? He felt a little ashamed of his living compared to Fili, whose house was clean and all his belongings were carefully positioned. He probably would go crazy with Kili if they lived together.

Once his hair were brushed, Kili went to get his mobile from the pocket of his jacket. Would it be weird if he wished a good night to Fili? He rolled an the idea in his mind for a long time. He hadn't Fili's personal number, but his work phone number should do it and he hoped that Fili hadn't turned it off. Finally Kili decided to tap a simple "good night" and his fingers were trembling as he pressed the send- button. Kili collapsed on to the bed, waiting. To Kili’s surprise, he received a message only a moment or two later, and almost pushed the mobile off the bed in his haste to pick it up.

"Good night, sleep well!" was the response and Kili stared at it in disbelief. He then began to smile stupidly. He had an urge to text back, but what would he say? 'I had fun too'? 'You're so nice'? 'I just jerked off for you’? ' Kili snorted at the last one -- even he wasn't that stupid. Though the combination of the other ones sounded quite good still he hesitated. 

The brunet put the mobile down. He just couldn't do it.

 

*-*-*

 

It was unusual that Kili was awake at eleven on Saturday morning and shopping at the supermarket. Normally he would not have woken up until the afternoon but his stomach began to protest from hunger and when he had gone to check the contents of the fridge, there was simply nothing. He had no other choice but leave to buy some food.

When Kili was picking up some clementines, he took a quick glimpse at two people who stopped on the other side. His head jumped up as he realized that it was Fili with someone he didn't know there. It had been a week and a half since they last met and neither of them had called the other. He didn't know about Fili, but not a day passed that Kili hadn't thought to call. He didn't have balls to do it. 

The young woman alongside Fili had to be his sister, with the same golden hair, much longer though, huge crystal blue eyes and thin curvy lips. Considering that in the metropolitan area of London there were more than 15 million people it was a goddamn nice coinsidence that they were at the same shopping center, same supermarket at the same time. In fact, he lived just a few miles away from Fili so the encounter by chance was very possible.

Kili was frozen in place. He wasn't even aware that he was staring intently at the duo until Fili's sister turned her eyes at him. He lowered his gaze quickly and absently resumed picking up the fruits. Kili almost felt bad for Fili. Anyone could avoid him like this and he never could tell someone, 'Hey, I saw you yesterday at the supermarket.' Kili felt he was unfriendly because he was avoiding interacting with Fili just in front of him. He would have liked to make his presence known to the blond, but he chickened out when his sister was with him.

Kili was starting to move on when he heard them start to talk about him.

"Are you still seeing this Kili?" Fili's sister asked from him.

"Last time I saw him was when he took me for a ride over a week ago." Fili replied and Kili stopped at the oranges to be as close as possible. He took one in his hand as if he was checking it and tried to listen to them closely in the middle of the chatter of people. 

"Has he called?

"No, nor have I."

They moved on to the vegetables and Kili remained still for a moment until he followed after them, and subtly stopped a couple of meters away from them. He picked a cauliflower to continue inconspicuous eavesdropping. This was stupid. He was like some kind of detective who shadowed a criminal. The criminal who had stolen his heart.

The siblings didn't talk any more about him and Kili was slightly disappointed; he would have liked to know more about what the blond thought of him. They moved on and so did he but in the other direction because Kili just couldn't follow them until they left the market. As he continued picking groceries he needed, his mobile started to ring. Frowning, he pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the screen. It was a number he didn't recognize but he, however, decided to answer it.

"Kieran." He answered with his real name, just in case if the person at the other end was unknown to him.

"Hey, it's me, Fili."

It was so unexpected that Kili felt his heart fly to his throat and first he couldn't say anything.

"Are you there?" Fili's question then dropped him down and he began to look around, nearly panicking, as if he had been afraid that Fili would be around the corner.

"Yeah," Kili murmured, "what is it?"

"Oh, I was just wondering if you have planned something for today."

The brunet's cheeks flushed but he remained calm. "Something on your mind?"

"I told you I'll call if you don't," Fili laughed, "want to hang out today?"

Kili shrugged. "Okay." _FUCK YES!_ would have better described his actual reaction.

"Great! Come over this evening."

"At what time?"

"Hmm, let's say at six?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Awesome, see you then. Bye!"

"Yeah... bye."

 

*-*-*

 

Kili pressed his finger on the doorbell and it didn't take long for Fili to open the door. His brow quirked questioningly as he noted that the blond was wearing outdoor clothes.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"For a walk if you don't mind," Fili replied with a small smile. He turned around to grab Cloud's harness handle and guided him over the threshold.

"Uh, no, it's okay," Kili said. He scratched his stubble and left his helmet inside. "You're taking... Uh, what was it? Cloud? With us?"

"Yeah, he also needs a walk," Fili replied. He made sure he had keys in his pocket and then pulled the door shut. "Let's go."

Both men began to walk down the street, Fili leading the way because Kili simply had no idea where to go. The brunet shoved his hands into his pockets of jacket, not sure what to say. Even Fili was silent. As time passed, the street lights came on and the weather became cooler and more humid. 

"Can I ask you something?" Fili broke the silence.

Kili felt his guts freeze, but he nodded, "Sure."

"Your accent sounds Irish. Are you from Ireland?" the blond asked, stopping to let the dog take a pee.

Kili sighed internally with relief and stopped, too. "I'm from Ireland, Dublin. We moved here when I was ten." He sighed and kicked a pebble on the asphalt. 

"And you were against it?"

"Yeah, I was. Dad is a neurosurgeon and when he graduated, he was offered a job in London and he didn't want to miss the chance. Mom was a nurse in the same hospital and she didn’t want to move, but in the end she changed her mind. I used to have friends in Dublin and I was scared when I started in a new school. I've never been the one who likes to be in the center of attention and it got worse... fuck, why I'm even telling this to you." Frowning, he lowered his gaze down to his feet and began rock himself back and forth on his heels. He felt like he was being a burden.

Fili smiled, "It's okay, I don't mind. Go on."

"I... I think it got worse because I was new, I didn't know anyone, I didn't feel safe with them and everytime attention was paid to me, I began to blush so hard..." Kili paused as memories started to rise in his mind. He felt a hand grabbing on his and Kili glanced to see it was Fili's. The warmth and reassuring squeeze of the blond's hand felt comfortable, giving him a safe feeling and he was encouraged to resume. "They laughed at me. In Dublin I used to play videogames with my friends, now I had no one to play with so I did it alone. I began to eat because I was lonely, and gained several pounds. I got glasses, too, and then they started bullying. They called me names... fattie, fatass, four eyes, red face, and tomato. They were very creative," Kili laughed but he wasn't amused. "Everyone already had friends there and it was hard to fit anywhere. Who would have wanted to make friends with a quiet newcomer?"

"I'm sorry," Fili said quietly, "I can't say I understand, but I can imagine how it feels."

Kili just nodded.

"You seemed to lost some weight," Fili said.

"Yeah. Secondary school was coming to the end and I didn't want to get bullied anymore because of my weight and glasses. I reduced the amount of food, I also grew fast and it happened pretty easily. I changed the glasses to contact lenses, too. Then I began to get some positive attention."

The blond sighed, "You don't ever have to please anyone to be accepted," Fili said and squeezed Kili's hand tighter as to make his words clear, "remember that."

"Oh yeah, says a guy who probably has dozens of friends because everyone likes him," he snapped and jerked his hand off from Fili's, shoving it back to his pocket.

Fili remained silent for a short moment.

"I don't have many friends," He said quietly, his eyes darkening as a pucker appeared between his brows, and Kili thought such an expression on Fili's face looked strange because he was used to seeing him always cheerful, "In fact, some of my 'friends' seemed to use my kindness for their own good. I love to help people, but I wished that they would have been there for me when I needed them, not just when they had hard times and they needed me. So I’d rather be alone than having bad friendships and look for people who care about _me_. I know it's hard but believe me; you're happier when you're with the right people." 

Kili listened to him and suddenly felt himself stupid, "Oh, I... I just thought because you're so nice that you have many friends."

"There are always some who expect things from you and when you don't give it to them, they start to treat you like trash," Fili sighed. "Well... I guess I'm really boring then," he said with a sad smile.

"I don't... I don't think you're boring," Kili faltered with his words. He saw the sadness vanish from Fili's face and it was replaced by wonder, "I think you're amazing. Yeah, amazing," he said, nodding, "and no one should treat you like a trash."

"Thank you." Fili said with a delighted smile and it made Kili's stomach tingle. He just loved to see him like that.

"Don't mention it," Kili gave a little smile in return, "let's keep going." He started to walk but was stopped by Fili's hand on his chest.

"Wait a sec," the blond said, "let's have a little fun at that playpark." He grinned.

Kili turned his head to see a playpark across the road and his brows rose in confusion. "How did you-"

"I know this place," Fili chuckled, "I walk pass this everyday and I actually have used a swing and merry-go-round once in a while."

The brunet stared at the playpark and then laughed nervously. "I don't know..."

"Oh, come on!" Fili said loudly, "there's nothing wrong with it. I'm thirty-one and I still like to play like this. I'm telling you, I'm an actual manchild and you have to get used to it or we are going to have a problem, friend. Now, let's take your grumpy ass to get some swinging." He grabbed Kili by the wrist and without listening to any objections, he led both Kili and Cloud to the other side of the road. Kili seemed not to resist and it was good.

Fili guided Cloud to sit leaving a suitable distance between them and Kili watched as he apparently began to search for swing. He wasn't sure if he should help or if Fili wanted to try first because he didn't say a word. However, he stayed at Fili's side and made sure that he doesn't trip over anything and hurt himself. The shorter man nearly walked into the seesaw and quickly Kili pulled him to the side.

"Oh, thanks for that." The blond grinned.

"You sure you don't need any help? This could go faster if I just show where the swings are," Kili asked.

"You're already helping me. I'm just trying to refresh my memory where every thing was," Fili replied, "let me explore a little but please, stay by my side." He continued exploring and though there were street lights lighting the place, it didn't help him much since the light wasn’t bright enough. He was able to see some fuzzy mass against the dark ground. Fili took his time to fumble around, Kili patiently following him, and then stopped when his hands bumped on something. He touched what was before him and felt a cool, rusty iron pipe against his hands. Fili moved a little, holding his arms outstretched and they met the cold chains of swing.

"I guess this is it." The blond said.

"Yeah, it is." Kili replied and watched as Fili's hands slid down along the chains to the seat. He sat on one swing and Kili sat on the other. His gaze followed as Fili kicked himself off of the ground and began to swing.

"I don't hear you swinging," Fili said and when the brunet didn't respond, he continued, "or do you want me to push you?" He grinned widely. 

Kili felt really awkward. He wished to be more relaxed with people he didn't know well, but the fact was that he thought too much what he did and said and above all, what the others might say about it. But with Fili, he thought that it would be possible to melt the thick ice around himself. Maybe.

"How are you going to manage?" Kili asked and bestowed a questoning look at him.

"Easily," Fili replied simply, "I can see your movements, remember?" He moved behind Kili and grabbed on the edges of a seat and began to pull back.

Kili held on to the chains as he was pulled back, "I don't take any responsibility if my ass knocks you unconscious." He began to swing, pushed by Fili.

The blond snorted, his head tilted sideways when he was concentrating on Kili's movement in the corner of his eye, "I believe your butt would give me just a gentle bump."

"My ass is as flat as a board, not as plump as yours..." Kili's voice faded away while his brain slowly considered what he had just said.

Fili laughed, "Oh, so you have checked my ass, have you?" he teased and Kili's cheeks burned in shame.

"No! Or... I... maybe. But it's not like I like you. Jaysus, I do like you but... you know?" Kili stuttered. It was a half lie. He feared that he had revealed too much of himself.

"Oh god," Fili said softly and grabbed the seat, stopping the movement of the swing and set his hands on Kili's shoulders, "you're so cute."

"... What?" It was all Kili was able to say in confusion because Fili simply caught him off guard.

"I got what you meant, no worries," Fili smiled and continued, "Something about how you act and speak makes me want to hug you so, so badly." He let out an awkward laugh.

The silence fell over. Kili felt his heart hammering in his throat, not sure how to manage the situation but Fili was again the one who took over and asked, "Can I hug you?"

"I... if you want to." Kili replied, uncertain.

"Don't you want me to hug you?"

"I think so," Kili replied, still uncertainly.

Kili felt arms wind around him, one around his neck and other his waist. Fili's chin pressed in the crook of his neck and Kili felt the other man's breath tickling his cheek, making his face flush again. He remained frozen and didn't do anything to return the embrace. But it was nice. Really, really nice and Kili felt a slight discomfort when Fili withdrew.

[](http://s48.photobucket.com/user/Luirumi/media/beyondblindeyes6_zpsa4ce1661.png.html)

"You're so weird," the brunet said and he facepalmed internally. Who the hell would say something like that after someone has just hugged you?

"What?" Fili laughed. "Why is that? Was that a compliment or...?"

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." Kili murmured and leaned on his knees and buried his face into his palms. 

"No no. Please, tell me." Fili insisted.

"You're not like... like the other men I have met."

"Uh huh? Tell me more." The blond began to be interested.

"You like flowers. Some thinks it's a little bit gayish and you're so... I don't know," In fact, Kili couldn't say the word which popped into his mind. "Someone could think you're gay," he decided to say but hurried to add, "but I don't think it makes you bad. It makes you very unique."

Fili chuckled, "Things you like or how you act don't determine whether you like men or women," he said, "but for the record, I actually like both."

Kili's heart leaped in his chest. Suddenly he got the answer to the question he had been wondering since he met Fili. He even didn't need to ask! His chances with Fili just increased by 50 percent and the rest depended on him. Did he have enough material to be Fili's lover? 

"Oh, okay, cool," Kili said neutrally.

"So it doesn't bother you?" Fili asked carefully.

"No, not at all," The brunet smiled and turned his head to look at him, "I like men, too. Only men actually." It felt safe to tell. Fili wouldn't judge him.

"Oh," Fili's brows rose in surprise, "really? I wouldn't have guessed."

Kili snorted, "No one knows this except my couple of friends on the internet. And you."

Fili smiled gently, "I hope this doesn't sound like I'm asking you on a date, but would you like to come to dinner with me? As friends? I cook."

And Kili complied.


	7. The Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than I thought, but well, now I'm back again. o/ As you can see, there isn't an illustration in this chapter, because I thought I don't stress myself too much with this story. I might draw in future chapters when I feel so.
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> Note: I've started to name chapters and I also named the previous ones.

On Saturday Kieran Durin found himself standing in front of a mirror and donning a tie. He was as nervous as if he were going to dinner with Queen Elisabeth, even though it was just dinner with Fili. He was wearing a white dress shirt and dark denims; the brunet thought white looked weird on him since he had worn black for such a long time. Maybe it wasn’t a suit, but it still seemed to be way too much anyway. Last time he wore festive clothes was at his graduation, but Fili wasn't Queen and eating with him wasn't a festive event. Just eating between friends. Feeling silly, Kili took off the tie. He took off his dress shirt as well, leaving the jeans on. He should go there as himself and he was quite sure Fili wouldn't mind it if he was less fancy.

When the brunet was about to pick up his black t-shirt from the bed, the mobile began to ring. There was a little pinch in his stomach as the disappointing image came into his that it was Fili wanting to cancel the dinner.Taking a mobile he was slightly relieved when it appeared that the caller was just his mother. She probably was doing her routine call every two weeks.

"Hey, Mom." Kili answered.

"Hello dear, how are you doing?" Mother asked, delighted to hear his voice.

"Well, uh, I'm fine." Kili replied and brought his hand up to brush his hair back. He didn’t mention how close her son was to vomiting in nervousness and enthusiasm because he was going to eat with the nicest guy he had ever met. He knew he shouldn't feel nervous; Fili has been very patient, gentle and even encouraging so far but still Kili couldn't stop himself from making a list inside his head how to act during the evening and what to talk about so Fili wouldn't get bored with him.

They talked. She told him about a family that lived two houses away from her. An electrical fire had broken out in their house, but no one got hurt, although their home got damaged, but was not totally uninhabitable. Then his mother asked when Kili would come to visit Dublin again as it had been four months since he last went there. His parents had divorced shortly after Kili moved from home to study; their marriage hadn't been happy for ages. hey probably thought if they stayed together because of Kili, it wouldn't be so bad. But it wasn't any better as Kili noticed that they weren't happy with each other. He frequently blamed himself that he was the cause of their dissension as he usually was the subject of their dispute. In Mother's opinion his father was too hard on him, while Father thought Mother was too gentle. After the divorce, Mother saw her chance to go back to Ireland where all her family and friends were. She wasn't happy being in London, though she felt guilty for leaving her son behind. Kili didn't see any reasons to go back; he was studying, he had friends and he didn't want to start all that over again. If he had returned to his home country, it didn’t guarantee his childhood friends would have wanted him back. People changed. He had changed.

The brunet promised to come for Christmas so that he would see all the other relatives at once. Oh how he had missed seeing them.

After warm farewells, Kili ended the call and set the mobile down on the bed. He finally pulled the t-shirt on, a small smile on lips. He was happy to have good relations with his mother. She never pressed him to do anything he didn't want to, she never made Kili feel bad about his decisions and hobbies. She loved him the way he was and his father should have to do the same. The brunet wondered how two such different people with such different thoughts ended up being married. He also wondered If they were happier and different before Kili was born and things started to suck after that. He never dared to ask about it though.

Kili also wondered how his father was doing now as he hasn't heard a word about him in years. Where did he live? Was he still working in the hospital? Had he found a new love? As sad as it was that Kili was a disappointment to him and the brunet didn't like the way he thought, that man was still his father and he still cared about him. Kili wasn't sure did his father felt the same, but the thought of being "lazy" and uninterested in being a doctor wasn't good reason enough to hate his own child.

Kili's expression crumbled at the change of thought. With a sigh and brief head shake, he focused his thoughts back to Fili. For a moment he had forgotten to be nervous and now the feeling came back. Groaning to himself he checked the clock which read almost half past one. A few hours to go and Kili was too restless to do anything productive before it.

 

***

 

When Kili arrived to Fili's place, he couldn't believe how nervous he was. The shower was such a waste as he had started to sweat again; also he didn't feel like eating at all. He might puke if he ate a bite of Fili's food, and that would be just great for him. With trembling fingers, Kili unlocked the helmet and pulled it off. It was quite a process as his fingers felt more like cold sausages. Pulling off his gloves as well, he blew on his hands and rubbed them together roughly to warm them.

"Good evening."

The brunet winced and he turned his wide eyes to look over his shoulder at the old man.

"Evening," Kili managed to respond a moment after recovering from fright.

The old man came closer, supporting his weight on a cane and he curiously eyed the brunet's motorbike.

"When I was at your age and good looking I had one too. Although it was Harley Davidson. It was... what do you young people say it? Wicked?" He chuckled warmly.

Kili hated this kind of situations when a stranger comes and starts to speak familiarly to him. Instead of saying "yeah" like he always did when he had no clue what to say, mind already numb from tension, he decided to give the old man his most sympathetic smile. He wasn't sure it was a good idea, but the man seemed not to mind and then he began to talk about his youth and how things were different in olden days. The brunet nodded between sentences and soon the topic turned to the man's deteriorating feet. He talked, talked, and talked and Kili was frantically thinking of a polite interruption. Fili might already be wondering what takes so long because he certainly had heard Kili's arrival. Fili's door opened before he could even bring his words out.

"Kili, are you there?" Fili asked and looked at the dusk, trying to distinguish him from there.

"Yeah, I was just chatting with mister..." Kili responded, making a inquiring look at the old man.

"Ah, my apologies for not introducing myself. The name is Stephen Young. Please, call me Stephen." He offered his hand for Kili.

"Kieran," the brunet said and they shook hands. He didn't use his nickname because it probably would have developed in more discussion. Especially when the name matched Fili's.

Fili smiled and leaned on a door frame, "Good evening, Stephen. How are you doing today?"

As Fili and Stephen talked, Kili rose from his bike and slipped past Fili. There he met a scent of cheese, tomato and minced meat which his brain linked to pasta. 

_Lasagna maybe,_ he thought. 

After removing his jacket and boots the brunet entered the living room. Cloud came around the corner, tail starting to wag in joy as he spotted his master's visitor. Kili knelt down, smiling, and gave some scratches behind his ears. Then the Labrador lay down on the floor, begging for some scratching for his belly, too. Kili gave it to him. He scratched him thoroughly for a while until Fili came over, chuckling.

"Sorry about that. He likes to talk a lot and sometimes it's hard to get rid of him. But he's a nice old man."

"I noticed." Kili said, petting the dog as he raised his head to look at Fili. 

His clothing was as casual as Kili's; a chunky dark grey cardigan looked as soft as his carefully combed back golden curls. Fili could wear anything, even a waste bag, and yet he would look stunning. Kili was hiding in his black hoodie, which he always found a safe choice to pick, and his unruly hair was hanging down his face.

"I hope you're hungry," the blond said, smiling, and went to the kitchen. "Please come and have a seat."

Kili swallowed. He still had this lump of tension somewhere between his throat and stomach. It felt good to be close to Fili and the more he spent time with the blond, the harder it was. His frustration grew each time when Fili spoke, his voice gentle and warm, words sincere, making Kili want to sit quiet and just listen to it. His smile made Kili's stomach tingle, his honey curls begged him to grab onto them to tug him closer and kiss that beautiful mouth. Fili's innocent touches made his body crave more, but Kili was quite sure his foolish infatuation with Fili was driven by his lust; he didn't see any better reason for it, because his knowledge of Fili on a personal level was still very poor. Last time when they met and it was revealed that the blond man was also into men, Kili was so happy about it and was very hopeful of his chances with him. Now he wasn't sure again. He tried not to expect too much or else he would be disappointed. 

Kili gave a last scratch to Cloud, then rose to his feet and headed to the kitchen, Cloud passing him to go over to Fili. There Kili froze in place as the sight of Fili taking lasagna - his guess proved to be true - out from the oven. The thought that Fili couldn't see very well, made him feel uncomfortable for a second. What if he would burn himself? Although, Kili's concern was unnecessary because the blond had his hands in gloves, and seemed to know what was doing, so Kili relaxed.

"Do you need any help?" Kili asked.

"Nah, I'm fine," Fili responded with a smile, "you can sit. I’ll just bring the food. And if Cloud could stop drooling it would be good."

Kili nodded, but quickly corrected himself, "Okay." 

Sitting down, his eyes scanned over the table which Fili had draped with a white cloth, and set with deep blue plates, cutlery and wine glasses. The blond had even folded napkins. It never ceased to amaze him what Fili was able to do considering his restricted vision. He always learned something new on every visit about visually impaired people.

 _Happiness doesn't look at the state of health, anyone can be happy_ , like Fili had told him once.

Kili watched as the blond set lasagna on the table. He had to admit that it smelled and looked delicious and his mouth started to water. He was _hungry_. _Thank god,_ the brunet thought with relief. The lump in his throat seemed to vanish, and he realized that he hadn't eaten all day as his stomach was pinching in hunger. He didn't know how his tension eased by a degree so suddenly that he felt able to finally eat. Maybe because of Fili's relaxed nature or that delicious looking lasagna. Maybe both.

Fili went over to the fridge then, taking a salad bowl from there and accidentally tipped the glass when he placed it on the table.

"Whoops," came a easy chuckle from Fili and Kili helped by raising the glass up again.

"It's alright," Kili murmured, not sure what else to say because Fili seemed to not be bothered by the glass, and he watched as the blond picked up a bottle of red wine. 

"I think that's not a good idea. I'm driving," Kili said.

"Oh, I know. But did you think you would leave right after dinner?" Fili smiled and began to open the bottle and Kili wondered if all that smiling ever hurt his cheeks, "It would be nice if you stayed a little longer. I'm pretty sure the alcohol will have faded from your blood when you leave. Just one glass. But I don't mind if you want to stay over a night either. Then you can have more wine."

"You're not fooling me. You just revealed your big plan: You're going to get me drunk and then have me in your bed." Kili said, smile tugging at his corner of the mouth. Then he felt a deep blush rushing on to his face, embarrassed by his sudden bold words. He, however, kept his eyes on Fili, waiting for his reaction. The blond looked a bit surprised and Kili swore he had a faint blush on his cheeks, and the brunet felt quite victorious.

Fili laughed, "Oh well... sorry to disappoint you, but that wasn't my plan. Don't worry. So, what you say?"

Kili pondered. The idea of staying over night at Fili’s sounded tempting, but he was afraid; afraid that he couldn't restrain himself, but he just could have a little wine and then go home when it was time.

"Alright," the brunet complied, sighing.

"That's great." Fili smiled and when he was finally about to pour wine, Kili interrupted him.

"Let me, you have done so much already." The brunet rose from his seat and took the bottle from Fili.

"Ah, you don't really need to. You're my guest," Fili protested.

Kili ignored it, "Sit, please. It's not a big deal." Fili sat.

Fili had been so nice; he had prepared all this for him. For them. He had been very kind and never asked anything in return, and Kili felt like he hadn't given anything of himself. This may not have been much, but the brunet just couldn't sit still and do nothing. So he poured wine for Fili first and managed to spill it a little on the cloth. Cursing himself in his mind while murmuring his apologies, Kili poured for himself as well. 

"So, do you insist that I start first as well?" Fili asked.

"Yes." Kili responded as he sat back down and took a sip of wine.

"You're such a weird guest." The blond chuckled in amusement. It looked like he hadn't any other choices than to comply so Fili started with lasagna first, Kili after him. 

It was as delicious as it looked, succulent and oh, so cheesy and a the wine was adding its deliciousness. Kili kept himself busy by shoving the food in to his mouth, avoiding talking. Fili offered him more wine and he accepted without thinking. He side glanced at Cloud who had been staring at them the whole time, clearly trying to give his best puppy eyes look to get something.

"He's really trying," Kili said. Fili raised his eyes and their eyes met for a second, making the brunet lower his gaze instinctively. Kili knew it was a pure accident and Fili really couldn't look him directly in the eyes, but it was reflex. It felt awkward to look people in the eyes when talking.

"Yeah, just ignore him." Fili chuckled while his eyes were locked on the wall behind Kili, then leaning to the side he gave a quick scratch to his pet. "How's the lasagna? Do you like it? I took the recipe from the website and it was called 'world's best lasagna'. In my opinion this version is the best I've ever made."

Taking a large moutful of wine, Kili let out a low hum in his throat as a yes. Setting the glass down, the drink leaked from the corner of his mouth as he opened it to speak. "Yeah it's..." the brunet gulped, "it's good. Worthy of its name." Then he wiped a trail of wine away on his sleeve.

Kili was drinking fast, and he knew he was probably getting drunk easily, or perhaps not so fast since he was eating. It had been a long time since he last drank any alcohol, but this was what he needed badly; to get himself to relax even a bit, if he was going to stay. He wanted to stay. He wanted to be able to stay for Fili but chiefly for himself. Maybe drinking alcohol wasn’t the right way to interact with people, but his old habits still remained as Kili always felt the need for a few to get in the mood, to get his mouth open. Now he wasn't doing any different and the thought made him feel a little sad for a moment.

When they were done with eating in silence mostly, Fili belched and covered his mouth chuckling, "I'm so full I think my stomach can't take a dessert right now," he said and took a toothpick.

"You have dessert?" Kili asked curiously. "What?"

"I made a lemon cheesecake yesterday. You can have a piece if you want, but I'll take a break," the blond responded as he began to dig his teeth with a toothpick.

"Well... I think I take a break, too." Frowning, Kili poured a third glass for himself and noted the bottle was nearly empty, but there was enough left to fill one more glass. "Uh, do you want to drink the rest of the bottle? I’m on my third glass now." 

Fili chuckled warmly, "You little greedy man. And yes, I could have the rest." He heard a sound of drink poured into glass. The blond raised the glass and took a sip. "How have you been? Are your shoulders and neck still aching?"

"Sometimes... but now they're quite okay." The brunet brought his hand up to massage the nape of his neck. "Maybe you should give your advice for self-care now when I'm not... fleeing."

"Finally!" Fili laughed and clapped his hands together, "let me clean the table first, then we’ll get down to business." He began to pick up the washing-up.

"I could lend a hand if you don't mind." Kili said and began to help Fili, not waiting for the permission.

"Well, you already are so I think have nothing to say about it, have I?"

"No," the brunet replied simply, grinning.

"Stubborn, are you?" Fili asked, and when they were rinsing their dishes, he playfully bumped his shoulder against the other man's.

"Depends."

"Depends on what?"

"I..." Kili paused as he set his own dishes into the dishwasher, then taking Fili's and putting them there too, "I'm not so used to this kind of treatment. Don't get me wrong; you've been very nice to me and it feels like I have done nothing for you." When he spoke, his voice tailed away towards the end.

The brunet watched as Fili turned his face slightly to him, those kissable lips turned into a smile, and his reply wasn't what Kili was expecting, "I like your voice. There's always people whose voice simply affects you, and you are one of my favourites."

There was a dead silence between men, only the sound of Cloud's nails meeting the floor could be heard as he moved out of the kitchen, and Fili wondered if he had said something wrong.

"Uh," Kili started, uncertain, "okay."

"You’re supposed to say thank you when someone gives you a compliment." Fili smiled.

"Yeah, of course. Thank you," Kili murmured, a shy smile rising to his lips, "It just caught me off guard. I'm not-"

"Used to it." The blond's smile widened into a grin. "Perhaps I should keep praising you until you get used to it. Now, let's finish cleaning the table and then go in to the living room."

"Don't, or you gonna sound like an ass kisser." Kili said, and wrinkled his brows in disapproval. They both put away the remaining food, Fili took his wine glass with him when they went to the living room, "You should only praise when you really mean it."

"I'm not an ass kisser. I praise people when I feel so," The blond took a sip from his wine and placed the glass on the coffee table, then turned to Kili. "I’ll show you some moves and you follow me, okay? The most important thing is when you're stretching your muscles, it must never hurt. For instance, if you strained your back the day before, you shouldn't stretch it today. The muscles always must be healed when you do the stretch. And the second thing; you never should stretch too long. Do it as long as you feel the stretch or as long as the move feels good, and when you feel the stretch in the tensed muscle, keep the position, take ten deep breaths and relax. Repeating the move intensifies the effect."

Kili nodded, but again, he corrected himself, "Got it."

"Stand with a straight back and bring your arms behind, grab your left hand with the right, then stretch the left towards the right buttock and lean your head towards the right shoulder. You’ll feel the stretch in your left shoulder. Don't lift your shoulder. Remember not to force the muscle too much, keep it in place where you start to feel the stretch, remember the breaths, and then do the same to the other side as well," Fili explained and demonstrated the move for Kili, "also remember, slow and easy. No quick movements."

The brunet watched Fili positioning himself, then doing as he was told. He found his limit when the little burn began in his shoulder as he stretched.

Fili showed him a few other ways to stretch his shoulders and neck and as time flew by, Kili could feel the warmth grow within him slowly, his face felt hot, he felt relaxed. The brunet felt slightly dizzy, and he couldn't help a giggle he let out.

"What?" Fili asked, grinning.

"Are you going to charge me for this?"

"Yeah, this is very expensive operation and I expect you to pay me at least half of your wage,” the blond joked.

"But Mister Johnson, I'm afraid I cannot afford to pay. Is paying in trade included in your paying methods?" Kili grinned.

"Are you getting a little drunk?" Fili asked.

"Seems like it. I'm sorry if I'm babbling some stupid things," Kili replied, smiling as if he wasn't sorry at all.

"Well, I think I’ll manage." The blond smiled, and he could sense the other man stepping into his personal space. Suddenly he was so close before him. "What is it?" Fili asked, trying to avoid the unsure tone in his voice, but he failed.

Kili was quiet, but he smiled fondly at Fili. He brought his hands up to place them on the blond's arms, stroking the biceps with his thumbs, "I enjoy your company very much, you know..." he murmured softly, slowly sliding his hands down and stopping at Fili's palms. Kili took Fili's hands in his, and could feel him tensing at the touch, " _very much._ "

Kili watched when Fili's throat bobbed slightly as he swallowed, and his expression looked as if he was processing his words and the situation in his mind closely.

"I like your company, too." Fili said neutrally, his eyes looking over Kili's shoulder.

Driven by his desire and alcohol hazed mind, Kili wrapped his arms around the blond and pulled him into a hard hug. He felt Fili's whole body tense, and he didn't respond to the embrace. Kili tried to ease the tension; he ran his fingers on the back of Fili's neck, raking the sensitive skin gently with his blunt nails, and the action made the blond's skin prickle with gooseflesh. Meanwhile the other hand were caressing all over his back. Kili hummed and buried his face in Fili's neck. He was so warm, his skin had a fresh scent of shower gel but still Kili could distinguish the man's natural scent there. Kili knew it was impossible, but it felt like he was getting more drunk by smelling Fili's sweet scent and feeling his heat, and his quickening pulse against his dry lips.

Slightly parting his mouth, the brunet breathed to the skin, slow and hot, before pressing his lips on it. His lips lingered there for a moment until Fili gasped.

"No," Fili said weakly and he put his hands on Kili's shoulders, and Kili didn't react to it but was trying to kiss his lips now. But Fili was quicker, and he turned his head away so the brunet's lips sank into his short beard. "No," the blond repeated again, sternly this time, and withdrew from Kili, "I can't..."

Kili stared at him, then lowered his gaze to his feet, "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "This just... This is just... Fuck, I'm so screwed," he groaned in anxiety, "I know I'm not perfect... I'm very boring, annoying and not even attractive, and a guy like you would never want me like I do you and-"

"Don't be ridiculous." The way Fili said these words was harsh, making Kili flinch. "For god's sake. It's not like you're boring, annoying or unattractive. I like you, but I don't know if I really _like_ you. I'm not perfect either... I'm actually as fucking screwed as you, you don't have idea," he said, and his tone softened by an inch.

Kili felt like he wanted to disappear. The evening had started well, but now he had ruined it with his uncontrollable desire and had made Fili angry with his stupidity. "I'm sorry," he repeated weakly, "I think I'll call a taxi." Taking a mobile out of his jean's pocket he went to the hallway. The hot tears stung his eyes, but he willed them back and steadied his voice before he ordered the taxi. After that, the brunet pulled his shoes and jacket on. 

Fili came up to him. "I'm not angry with you," he said. Though he wasn't angry, and Kili knew it, he couldn't ignore how Fili sounded. As if he had changed to stone, hard and grey, as if the sun had been turned off within him. He didn't quite understand what happened.

Kili just nodded, not even correcting himself this time and made his way out of the door. He wanted to be alone waiting for the taxi.

"Good night," Fili said after the door were closed.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first story about Fili and Kili. I'm not used to write fanfictions, especially in English. That's why I have [Kelly](http://ceallaig1.tumblr.com/) as beta reader. And [Jane](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/) who is Blind Rehabilitation Therapist has offered her help as well. 
> 
> Without these two incredible people, without their tips and advice, this story wouldn't be as good without them. I am so glad about it and I owe them my eternal thanks!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> You can also find me at my [art blog](http://luirumi.tumblr.com/) or my [personal blog](http://filipeppu.tumblr.com/)


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